This isn’t your average SEO blog. This is a full-on, no-holds-barred technical SEO deep dive — every issue, every fix, and Pedro’s no-bullshit take on the lot. If your site’s got crawling issues, dodgy redirects, slow load times or some XML sitemap that looks like it was written in crayon, it’s all in here. We’re talking proper technical breakdowns with real-world fixes — not waffle.
It’s detailed, yes. But still human. You’ll leave knowing what’s broken and exactly how to sort it. Even Darren could follow it — and Darren thought a canonical tag was something the Pope wears.
Canonicals: Non-Indexable Canonical
Type: Issue Priority: High
Description: Pages with a canonical URL that is non-indexable. This will include canonicals which are blocked by robots.txt, no response, redirect (3XX), client error (4XX), server error (5XX), are ‘noindex’ or ‘canonicalised’ themselves. This means the search engines are being instructed to consolidate indexing and link signals to a non-indexable page, which often leads to them ignoring the canonical, but may also lead to unpredictability in indexing and ranking.
How to Fix: Ensure canonical URLs are to accurate indexable pages to avoid them being ignored by search engines, and any potential indexing or ranking unpredictability.
Pedro’s Take: This is like telling Google, Hey, dont look at me look at Steve! But Steve is either missing, on holiday, behind a locked door, or just straight-up dead. So now Googles confused, ignores your advice, and maybe doesnt trust either of you. If you’re gonna point to another page as the real one, make sure that page is actually alive, well, and welcoming visitors not hiding in a server error dungeon.
Response Codes: Internal Client Error (4xx)
Type: Issue Priority: High
Description: Internal URLs with a client-side error. This indicates a problem occurred with the URL request and can include responses such as 400 bad request, 403 Forbidden, 404 Page Not Found, 410 Removed, 429 Too Many Requests and more. A 404 ‘Page Not Found’ is the most common, and often referred to as a broken link.
How to Fix: All links on a website should ideally resolve to 200 ‘OK’ URLs. Errors such as a 404 or 410 should be updated to their correct locations, removed and redirected where appropriate.
Pedro’s Take: 4xx errors are like dead ends on your website someone clicks a link and ends up face-first in a brick wall that says Nope. Whether its a 404 (Page Not Found), 403 (Forbidden), or any other client-side error, it means somethings broken, missing, or off-limits. Thats bad for users and even worse for SEO. Fix broken links, redirect where needed.
Security: HTTP URLs
Type: Issue Priority: High
Description: HTTP URLs that are encountered in the crawl. All websites should be secure over HTTPS today on the web. Not only is it important for security, but it’s now expected by users. Chrome and other browsers display a ‘Not Secure’ message against any URLs that are HTTP, or have mixed content issues (where they load insecure resources on them).
How to Fix: All URLs should be to secure HTTPS pages. Pages should be served over HTTPS, any internal links should be updated to HTTPS versions and HTTP URLs should 301 redirect to HTTPS versions. HTTP URLs identified in this filter that are redirecting to HTTPS versions already should be updated to link to the correct HTTPS versions directly.
Pedro’s Take: Still using HTTP is like locking your house, but leaving the windows wide open sure, it looks secure, but its not fooling anyone. Modern browsers now slap a Not Secure label on HTTP pages, and that makes users nervous and search engines twitchy. You should be serving everything over HTTPS, redirecting old HTTP links, and updating any internal links that still point to the insecure versions. Its 2025 dont let your site wander the internet wearing flip-flops in a storm.
This isn’t your average SEO blog. This is a full-on, no-holds-barred on-page SEO deep dive — every issue, every fix, and Pedro’s no-bullshit take on it all. If your site’s got weak titles, rogue headings, bloated images or layout chaos, it’s all in here. We’re talking proper explanations with real solutions, not vague fluff.
It’s technical, yes. But still human. You’ll leave knowing what’s wrong and what to do about it. Even Darren could follow it — and Darren thought H1s were a brand of sauce.
Security: Mixed Content
Type: Issue Priority: High
Description: HTML pages loaded over a secure HTTPS connection that have resources such as images, JavaScript or CSS that are loaded via an insecure HTTP connection. Mixed content weakens HTTPS, and makes the pages easier for eavesdropping and compromising otherwise secure pages. Browsers might automatically block the HTTP resources from loading, or they may attempt to upgrade them to HTTPS.
How to Fix: All HTTP resources should be changed to HTTPS to avoid security issues, and problems loading in a browser.
Pedro’s Take: Mixed content is like locking your house but leaving a window wide open the page looks secure with HTTPS, but it’s quietly loading stuff over HTTP that could be tampered with. Browsers hate this and might block the insecure bits entirely or try to auto-upgrade them (which doesn’t always work). The result? Broken images, scripts that dont run, and a site that feels half-finished. Swap every last HTTP resource to HTTPS if you’re going secure, go all in, not halfway.
Page Titles: Missing
Type: Issue Priority: High
Description: Pages which have a missing page title element, the content is empty, or has a whitespace. Page titles are read and used by both users and the search engines to understand what a page is about. They are important for SEO as page titles are used in rankings, and vital for user experience, as they are displayed in browsers, search engine results and on social networks.
How to Fix: It’s essential to write concise, descriptive and unique page titles on every indexable URL to help users, and enable search engines to score and rank the page for relevant search queries.
Pedro’s Take: Missing page titles are like publishing a book with a blank cover no one knows what its about, and it probably wont end up on any bestseller lists. Page titles are one of the first things users and search engines see, and without one, your page is basically nameless. That hurts clicks, rankings, and trust. Every important page needs a clear, snappy title that tells people (and Google) exactly what theyre in for. No title? No chance.
SEO can feel like some dark art sometimes. But mostly it’s just about avoiding dumb SEO mistakes. Meet Darren — a bloke who thought buying 500 “high-quality” backlinks for £25 was a clever shortcut. Spoiler: It wasn’t. Darren got mugged down a back alley by the SEO police, lost his pink stilettos, and his rankings crashed harder than his dad’s old fishing boat.
Here’s what Darren (and you) should never do, plus how to fix it so your website actually gets clicks, leads, and maybe even sales.
Darren’s big idea was to pay LinkLord97 for 500 backlinks overnight. What could go wrong?
The links were from spammy sites nobody visited.
Google’s algorithm saw through it and slapped a penalty.
Darren’s site disappeared from page 1 to page 99, fast.
Why it sucks: Google hates manipulative links. Quality > quantity. You’re better off with one link from a respected site than hundreds from shady blogs.
Fix it: Build links naturally. Guest post, create link-worthy content, or ask for mentions respectfully. Don’t be a Darren.
2. Ignoring Mobile Users — Darren’s Site Is a Pinch-and-Zoom Nightmare
Darren’s mate Dave uses his phone for everything — including shopping for rods. But Darren’s site? Not so friendly on mobile.
Text too small to read.
Buttons the size of a pea.
Images overlapping text.
Google prioritizes mobile-friendly sites. If yours isn’t, you’re losing traffic and conversions.
Fix it: Use responsive design. Test your site on different devices. Tools like Google’s Mobile-Friendly Test will save you from embarrassing pinch sessions.
3. Slow Page Load — Darren Uploaded a 20MB Trout Pic… Oops
Nothing kills patience like a slow website. Darren’s 10-second load time was a dealbreaker.
Large uncompressed images.
Bloated themes with endless plugins.
No caching or content delivery network (CDN).
Visitors bounce, rankings drop, and sales dry up.
Fix it: Compress images. Use modern formats like WebP. Pick lightweight themes and enable caching. Speed matters more than fancy animations.
4. Missing or Duplicate Meta Descriptions — Darren’s Missed Pitches
Meta descriptions are your elevator pitch in search results. Darren’s? Either missing or repeated across pages.
Google often pulls random text if no description is present.
Duplicate meta descriptions confuse search engines.
Fix it: Write unique, compelling meta descriptions for every page. Two lines that make people want to click — no pressure.
SEO isn’t what it used to be. Darren, who’s been running a fishing tackle website since 2015, remembers when stuffing keywords was all the rage. Today? Things are way more complex — and fast-moving. As we approach 2026, the world of search is evolving into something almost unrecognizable. Let’s peek into tge future of SEO
AI, voice search, mobile-first indexing, and user intent have turned SEO into a strategic battlefield. If business owners want to survive and thrive, they need to understand what’s coming next.
This post will unpack the biggest future trends in SEO and show you how to prepare your business — no jargon, just actionable insights, with a bit of Darren’s classic missteps sprinkled in for fun.
1. AI and Machine Learning: The New SEO Powerhouses
Search engines like Google are using AI more than ever to interpret queries and rank pages. The days of keyword matching are fading fast.
What’s Changing?
Google’s RankBrain and BERT algorithms understand user intent better than humans in some cases. They’re trained to decipher conversational queries, synonyms, and the context behind searches.
For Darren, this means writing natural, helpful content is now more important than cramming exact keywords. Darren’s old tactic of repeating “cheap fishing rods UK” doesn’t cut it anymore.
What Should You Do?
Focus on user intent and create content answering real questions.
Use natural language that matches how people actually talk.
Think about semantic SEO — related topics and concepts instead of isolated keywords.
2. Voice Search: Talk, Don’t Type
With smart speakers and voice assistants becoming mainstream, voice search is skyrocketing.
Why Voice Search Matters
People don’t talk to Alexa like they type into Google. They ask full questions, like “What’s the best carp rod for beginners near me?”
For Darren, this meant updating his content with conversational phrases and FAQ sections — stuff he’d ignored for years.
How to Optimize for Voice
Use long-tail, question-based keywords.
Structure content with clear questions and answers.
Make sure your site loads fast and is mobile-friendly — voice searches happen on the go.
3. Mobile-First is Already Here — And It’s Non-Negotiable
Google ranks sites based on their mobile version first — desktop comes second. If your mobile site sucks, your rankings suffer.
Darren’s site was notoriously clunky on phones — tiny buttons, slow load times, and jumbled menus. That cost him traffic until he fixed it.
What’s the Best Practice?
Use responsive design.
Test regularly with Google’s Mobile-Friendly Test.
Meet Darren — a bloke who thought hiring an SEO agency was the magic ticket to online riches. He handed over £1,000 a month hoping to see his fishing tackle site soar to page one on Google. Instead, Darren got vague reports, confusing jargon, and zero sales to show for it.
If Darren had known then what I’m about to share with you now, he might’ve saved a fortune and spent more time fishing than fretting.
This blog isn’t written by a slick agency pitchman but by someone who’s been in the trenches and seen behind the curtain. So buckle up and let’s uncover what most SEO agencies won’t tell you.
1. SEO Isn’t Magic — It’s Hard Work and Patience
First things first: no agency or consultant can guarantee you #1 rankings overnight. Anyone promising that is either lying or using black-hat tricks that’ll get you penalised.
Darren’s agency promised him a spot on page one within three months. Reality? After six months, his site was still languishing on page 8, and the only thing ranking was his competitor’s dodgy blog.
SEO is a marathon, not a sprint. It involves steady work on your website, content, backlinks, and technical health. Results compound over time — like growing a garden, not microwaving a meal.
2. Agencies Often Sell You Services You Don’t Need
Darren was sold on expensive “link-building packages,” “content creation,” and “site audits” — much of which was either unnecessary or poorly executed.
Some agencies push generic SEO tactics without understanding your unique business or goals. It’s like trying to sell fishing rods to someone who only ever fishes with nets.
Be sceptical. Ask for clear explanations and custom strategies. If an agency just runs cookie-cutter campaigns, you’re throwing money down the drain.
3. Most Agencies Don’t Own Your SEO Data or Content
One sneaky move is that agencies keep control of your Google Analytics, Search Console, and even the content they create. If you try to leave, they make it difficult to switch by withholding access or locking down accounts.
Darren found himself locked out and dependent, paying month after month with no leverage.
Always have full ownership of your data and content. Demand access to everything and backups. Your website and SEO assets belong to you, not them.
4. The SEO Reporting Puzzle — What Are They Really Showing You?
Many SEO reports are full of confusing graphs, jargon, and vanity metrics like “impressions” without meaningful context. Darren’s agency sent him monthly PDFs that looked impressive but didn’t explain if business improved.
You want reports that answer:
Did my traffic increase?
Are visitors converting into customers?
What actions were taken?
What’s the plan moving forward?
Don’t be dazzled by charts. Ask for simple, clear outcomes that relate directly to your goals.
Running a local business means your customers are just around the corner — but only if they can find you online. With more people searching “near me” than ever before, local business SEO is your secret weapon to stand out in the crowd. No complicated jargon, no wasted budgets. Just simple, effective steps you can take today to get noticed by Google and reel in those local customers.
Here’s your local business SEO checklist — all the quick wins Darren wishes he knew before losing half his foot traffic to that shiny new café down the street.
1. Claim and Optimize Your Google Business Profile
Google Business Profile (formerly Google My Business) is the heart of local SEO. It’s the box that shows your business info, photos, reviews, and hours right in Google Search and Maps.
Quick Wins:
Claim your profile if you haven’t.
Complete every field: address, phone, hours, website, categories.
Use your exact business name consistently.
Add high-quality photos (inside and out).
Write a clear, compelling business description with local keywords.
Why Darren Failed Here: Darren listed his business as “Darren’s Shop” once and never updated it. Meanwhile, his competitor “Darren’s Fishing Tackle” claimed and optimized their profile, stealing all the local Google love.
Pro Tip: Update your profile regularly with posts about offers, new products, or events to keep Google and customers engaged.
2. Consistent NAP (Name, Address, Phone Number) Everywhere
Google needs to trust your business details are accurate and consistent across the web. That means your NAP should look exactly the same on your website, directories, social profiles, and anywhere else.
Quick Wins:
Check your website footer and contact page.
Use tools like Moz Local or Whitespark to find inconsistent listings.
Fix duplicates or conflicting info on major directories (Yelp, Yell, Bing Places).
Pro Tip: Use the same formatting everywhere — abbreviations or not — for example, “Street” vs “St.” can confuse Google.
3. Local Keyword Research — Speak Your Customers’ Language
People searching for local businesses don’t type like robots. They search for “best pizza near me,” “car mechanic in Bristol,” or “24-hour locksmith London.”
Quick Wins:
Use Google Autocomplete and “People also ask” for ideas.
Focus on long-tail keywords with local intent.
Sprinkle them naturally into your homepage, service pages, titles, and meta descriptions.
Darren discovered that adding “in Chester” to his product pages brought more local buyers than just “fishing rods.”
Pro Tip: Don’t forget to include local landmarks or neighbourhood names if relevant. People search for “cafes near Chester Cathedral” too.
Introduction: Your Homepage Is Your Digital Handshake
Imagine walking into a shop with cluttered shelves, flickering lights, and a grumpy shopkeeper. That’s exactly how your homepage feels if it’s slow, confusing, or ugly. Darren used to think slapping flashy images and popups on his homepage was clever — but his customers fled faster than a startled carp. He needs to check out his Homepage SEO and user experience.
Your homepage is your website’s front door. It’s the first thing visitors see, and first impressions count more than you think. If it doesn’t load quickly, look professional, and guide users naturally, you’re losing sales — plain and simple.
This review will walk you through why homepage SEO and design matter, how Darren lost sales with bad UX, and what you can do to keep visitors hooked.
1. Why First Impressions Matter in SEO and User Experience
Studies show that users form an opinion about your site within 50 milliseconds — that’s quicker than a blink. A confusing layout or slow loading time can spike bounce rates, and higher bounce means Google sees your site as less relevant, dropping your rankings.
Darren’s homepage loaded in 11 seconds. Visitors got fed up and left before seeing a single fishing rod.
Metrics to Watch:
Bounce rate above 70%? Danger zone.
Average session duration below 30 seconds? Users aren’t engaged.
Conversion rates falling? Your homepage isn’t convincing.
If users don’t trust your site or can’t find what they need fast, they won’t buy — simple.
2. Speed Kills (Your Sales)
Speed is a ranking factor for Google and a user killer. Darren uploaded massive, uncompressed photos of trout that slowed his site to a crawl.
Why Speed Matters:
53% of mobile users abandon sites taking longer than 3 seconds.
Every 1-second delay reduces conversions by 7%.
How to Fix:
Compress images with TinyPNG or Squoosh.
Use lazy loading to prioritize visible content.
Enable browser caching and use CDNs.
Choose fast hosting and lightweight themes.
Darren fixed his speed issues and saw a 35% drop in bounce rate.
3. Navigation and User Journey: Don’t Make Visitors Guess
Darren’s navigation was a mess — visitors clicked around aimlessly or gave up. Clear menus, search bars, and obvious CTAs (calls to action) are essential.
Best Practices:
Limit main menu items to 5-7.
Use descriptive labels like “Carp Rods” not just “Products.”
Place a visible search bar top right.
Include “Buy Now” or “Shop Our Range” buttons above the fold.
Good navigation guides visitors smoothly to their goal — whether browsing, learning, or buying.
Introduction: The Darren Dilemma in an AI-Driven World
This is Darren and he needs to get into SEO and AI — he’s a bloke who used to believe uploading a 20 MB trout JPEG was SEO gold. But that was before AI changed everything. In 2025, tools like ChatGPT, Bard, and AI-powered answer engines have reshaped how people search. So if Darren spent years obsessing over “Buy cheap carp rod UK,” he’s now facing a new nightmare: his customers skip Google and ask AI directly. His mate Dave doesn’t bother with Google much anymore. Dave just asks ChatGPT or his voice assistant and gets instant answers. Darren knows he needs to adapt or vanish. So the question we’re asking today: Is ChatGPT killing Google Search? More importantly, how should small businesses adapt—especially folks like Darren selling fishing tackle online?
1. The Rise of AI Search & Why It Matters
1.1 Stats You Can’t Ignore
Over 40% of mobile searches in the UK start through AI-driven assistants, not traditional Google Search.
ChatGPT’s API usage grew by 350% in the past year, showing huge adoption.
A 2025 user survey found that 35% of people prefer AI over Google for quick how-to queries.
While Google still handles billions of queries, AI-first searches are steadily eating into its market share.
1.2 Why Darren Should Give a Crap
Imagine someone in Chester asking: “Carp rod recommendations under £50.” If they type it into Google, they might land on Darren’s e-commerce page. But if they ask ChatGPT: “Hey AI, where can I buy a decent carp rod under fifty quid?” — Darren’s site needs to be represented in that answer or risk disappearing altogether. Dave, Darren’s mate, is already asking AI everything from recipes to product tips and hardly Googles anymore.
2. What Is ChatGPT and How Does It Work?
ChatGPT is an AI language model developed by OpenAI. It’s like a digital mate you can ask anything, and it spits back human-like answers in seconds. Unlike Google, which serves links, ChatGPT gives direct answers — no clicking around needed. It works by analyzing billions of texts from books, websites, and articles, then predicting the most likely answer based on your question. It’s conversational, so users like Dave feel like they’re chatting with a knowledgeable friend. This shift means that instead of browsing multiple sites, people often get their answers from AI chatbots — a huge change Darren is still wrapping his head around.
So Darren’s gone straight — sort of. He’s dumped the mistresses (well, most), binned the Crocs, and now runs a fishing tackle website from his shed. He’s even stopped selling dinghies to smugglers — progress! But lately, his traffic’s tanked harder than his political career. Why? Technical SEO issues.
Because Darren ignored technical SEO. His site’s like a haunted theme park: slow, broken, and full of hidden horrors. And when Google’s bots crawl it, they don’t say “ooh, nice carp rods,” they scream and run. So if your pages aren’t showing up, loading like molasses, or randomly vanishing into the 404 void — it’s probably not your content. It’s your technical bullshit.
Let’s fix that.
1. Page Speed — Darren’s Site Moves Like a Pissed Slug
Your site needs to load fast. Not “eventually.” Not “if the Wi-Fi’s good.” FAST. Google cares, your customers care, and Darren definitely should’ve cared before uploading a 20MB JPEG of himself holding a carp, topless, in soft focus.
Why It Matters:
Google ranks slow sites lower — fact.
Visitors bounce if your site takes more than 3 seconds.
Mobile users are ruthless. If it drags, they’re gone.
Darren’s Case:
Darren’s homepage took 11.4 seconds to load. Why? Because he:
Uploaded uncompressed images the size of satellite photos.
Used a theme from 2012 coded like spaghetti.
Had five tracking scripts from random marketing “gurus” (one possibly spyware).
How to Fix It:
Compress your images with tools like TinyPNG or Squoosh.
Use modern file types like WebP.
Get rid of ancient WordPress plugins Darren probably found in a forum from 2006.
Test your speed at PageSpeed Insights — if your score’s red, it’s time for tech CPR.
Final Tip:
You’re not making a Netflix documentary. No one needs high-res trout in 4K. Make it snappy. Like Darren’s denials at a press conference.
2. Mobile Friendliness — Darren’s Site Is a Finger Gymnastics Nightmare
These days, most people visit websites on their phone. But Darren? He built his site on a desktop from 2009 and never once checked what it looked like on mobile. The result? A homepage that requires zooming, pinching, squinting, and occasionally prayer.
Why It Matters:
Google only uses the mobile version of your site for ranking (this is called mobile-first indexing).
If your mobile layout sucks, your SEO suffers — even if your desktop version is spotless.
Users won’t wrestle with broken layouts. They’ll just leave.
Darren’s Case:
His product images overlapped with text. His buttons were too tiny to tap unless you had hummingbird fingers. And worst of all — his cookie banner covered the whole screen on mobile and couldn’t be closed.
How to Fix It:
Use responsive design — your site should adapt to all screen sizes. Most modern themes do this by default.
Check your site on your phone. If you’re frustrated, your customers will be too.
Use Google’s Mobile-Friendly Test — and don’t ignore the results like Darren ignored Parliament ethics.
Final Tip:
If someone can’t buy your product without rotating their phone like a steering wheel, you’re not mobile-friendly — you’re mobile-hostile.
3. Broken Links & Crawl Errors — Darren’s Site Is a Dead-End Maze
Google sends bots (remember those gremlins?) to crawl your site. But when they hit broken links or missing pages (404 errors), it’s like sending them down a hallway that ends in a brick wall. They get confused, frustrated, and sometimes just leave — a bit like Darren’s customers.
Darren’s Dilemma:
He linked half his blog posts to pages that no longer exist, like his 2014 carp diary or a reel review that mysteriously vanished (possibly after legal threats). Google kept trying to visit those pages, but they were dead ends. Result? SEO penalties and visitors who hit a 404 and bailed.
Why It Matters:
Broken links damage trust and user experience
Google reduces the crawl rate on unreliable sites
You lose out on SEO juice that could be flowing through good internal links
How to Fix It:
Use tools like Google Search Console, Screaming Frog, or Ahrefs Site Audit to spot broken links and crawl errors
Fix the URL if the page still exists
Redirect old links to new pages using 301 redirects
Delete links pointing to nowhere
Darren’s Redemption:
He fixed 27 broken links, added proper redirects, and his bounce rate dropped from 82% to 47%. His customers no longer felt like they were falling into digital sinkholes. Some even bought bait.
4. Crawlability — Can Google Even Read Your Site?
Darren spent three weeks building his homepage, only to realise Google couldn’t even see it. Like putting up a billboard in the woods and wondering why nobody calls.
Why It Matters:
If Google can’t crawl your site, it can’t index it
No index = no ranking = digital invisibility
Most crawl issues are dumb mistakes — but they matter
Darren’s Disasters:
Accidentally blocked Google in robots.txt
Had a noindex tag on half his pages
Installed a “coming soon” plugin and forgot to take it off
Linked between pages using dodgy JavaScript, so bots couldn’t follow
How to Fix It:
Check your robots.txt file (shouldn’t block key pages)
Use clean, crawlable links (no weird JavaScript or AJAX for navigation)
Submit a sitemap in Google Search Console and monitor coverage errors
5. HTTPS Security — Darren’s Site Says “This Might Be a Trap”
If your site still uses HTTP instead of HTTPS, modern browsers slap a warning on it that basically says, “This site might steal your kidneys.” Not great for trust.
Why It Matters:
HTTPS is a Google ranking factor
Browsers show “Not Secure” warnings without it
It encrypts data — crucial if you take payments or collect emails
Darren’s Blunder: He thought SSL was “some crypto coin” and ignored it. His site flagged red, scaring off anyone who wasn’t already dodgy.
Fix It:
Get a free SSL certificate from Let’s Encrypt (most hosts offer this)
Force all pages to load via HTTPS
Update old HTTP links in content and sitemaps
6. Duplicate Content — Darren’s Copy-Paste Chaos
Darren reused entire blocks of content across multiple pages. Why write fresh when you can Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, right? Except Google hates duplicate content.
Why It Matters:
Confuses search engines
Dilutes SEO value
Can get you penalised for low-quality content
Fix It:
Use canonical tags to tell Google which version is “the original”
Rewrite reused content so each page offers unique value
Don’t copy product descriptions from manufacturers — Google’s seen them 10,000 times
7. Sitemap & Indexing — Darren Forgot to Give Google a Map
Your sitemap is like the table of contents for your website. Without it, Google’s bots are just stumbling around hoping to find stuff.
Why It Matters:
Helps Google discover and index your pages
Makes sure new content gets picked up fast
Highlights issues in Search Console
Darren’s Crime: No sitemap. No indexing. His blog posts were floating in the SEO void. His homepage was the only thing ranking — badly.
Fix It:
Create a sitemap.xml file (Yoast or RankMath can help)
Submit it in Google Search Console
Check for indexing errors or exclusions
8. Core Web Vitals — Darren’s Site Gives Users Motion Sickness
Core Web Vitals are Google’s way of measuring user experience. It looks at load time, interactivity, and layout stability (e.g. buttons jumping around).
Why It Matters:
Directly affects rankings
Impacts bounce rate and conversion
Core part of Google’s Page Experience algorithm
Darren’s Symptoms:
Images loaded late and pushed content around
Buttons took 5 seconds to react
Fonts flickered in and out like a ghost
Fix It:
Load critical CSS early
Use font-display: swap
Defer non-critical JavaScript
Compress and prioritise assets
9. Structured Data — Darren Thinks Schema Is a New Drug
Structured data (like schema.org) helps Google understand your content better — reviews, FAQs, prices, etc. It’s what powers rich snippets.
Why It Matters:
Improves visibility in search (stars, images, FAQs)
Helps with click-through rates
Makes your site stand out
Darren’s Confusion: He saw “schema markup” and thought it was some kind of herbal supplement. So he missed out on all the fancy extras in Google search.
Fix It:
Use tools like Google’s Rich Results Test
Add schema for key pages (products, blogs, FAQs, reviews)
If using WordPress, install a plugin like Schema Pro or Yoast
10. FAQs About Technical SEO
Q: How do I know if my site has technical SEO problems? A: Use tools like Google Search Console, PageSpeed Insights, or Screaming Frog. If red errors pop up like Darren’s tax returns, you’ve got work to do.
Q: Is page speed really that important? A: Yes. Slow sites kill rankings and user patience. If your homepage loads slower than Darren answering tough questions, fix it fast.
Q: What is crawlability, and why should I care? A: It’s how well Google can read your site. If bots can’t crawl it, you’re basically invisible — like Darren’s moral compass.
Q: Can broken links hurt my Google rankings? A: Absolutely. Broken links = broken trust. Users hate them, and so does Google. Patch them up before your SEO leaks everywhere.
Q: Do I really need HTTPS? A: Yes. Without it, browsers warn users that your site is “Not Secure.” Not ideal if you’re selling things (or dignity).
Q: How often should I check for SEO issues? A: Every couple of months. It’s like a dentist visit — ignore it too long and things start to rot.
Q: Is technical SEO just for developers? A: Nope. With plugins, tools, and guides like this, even Darren could do it. And he once tried to fix a server with duct tape.
Summary: Technical SEO — Don’t Be Darren
You could write the world’s greatest blog post about carp bait, but if your site’s slow, broken, invisible to Google, or flagged as a security risk — nobody will ever see it. Technical SEO isn’t optional. It’s the plumbing, wiring, and foundation of your digital shop.
Darren ignored it, and ended up with a haunted shed of a website. But you? You’ve got no excuse. Sort your site speed, fix your mobile layout, clean up crawl errors, and give Google a clear map. Do the geeky stuff now — or stay buried on page 12 with Darren’s dodgy affiliate links.
So, you’ve tidied your digital house (on-page SEO), fluffed the cushions (headings and meta tags), and lit a scented candle for Google’s bots. Lovely. But here’s the kicker: Google doesn’t just care about what you say about yourself — it wants to know what everyone else thinks too.
Off-page SEO is like your online reputation. Not what you tell people at the pub, but what the pub landlord tells everyone about you when you leave. It’s how the internet whispers behind your back — and whether those whispers say “legend” or “dodgy Darren who sells used rods and tax advice from the same van.”
1. What Counts as Off-Page SEO?
Let’s be clear. It’s not just “get backlinks” — that’s like saying “just get rich.” Off-page SEO is all the stuff that happens outside your website but still affects how Google sees you. It includes:
Backlinks – other websites linking to yours
Mentions – people talking about your brand without even linking
Guest posts – your content appearing on other sites
Social buzz – shares, retweets, posts (yes, even your mum’s Facebook share helps a bit)
Reviews – what people say on Trustpilot, Google, or anywhere with stars
Directory listings – local business sites, niche directories, the digital Yellow Pages
Basically: if it’s not on your site but makes you look good to Google, it’s off-page SEO. It shows you’re real, you’re relevant, and you’re worth ranking. The more authority and attention you attract beyond your own URL, the more Google sits up and listens.
2. Backlinks: The Internet’s Version of Street Cred
If content is king, backlinks are the crowd that shows up to cheer. A backlink is another website pointing a link at your site. But not all backlinks are equal — a shoutout from the BBC is not the same as Barry’s Blog About Bait with six readers and a tendency to crash on Tuesdays.
To Google, backlinks are votes of confidence. If enough decent sites link to you, Google assumes you’re trustworthy, useful, and not just another one of Darren’s half-baked schemes. And remember, backlinks aren’t just about SEO. They also drive referral traffic. One solid backlink from a popular site can bring in a steady trickle of engaged visitors.
3. What Makes a Good Backlink?
Here’s what makes a backlink actually count:
It comes from a relevant site
It comes from a trustworthy domain
It’s not spammy
It’s a do-follow link (not marked “nofollow” by the site)
Darren’s Link-Building Misadventures:
He paid £25 for “500 high-quality backlinks” from LinkLord97. Within a week, traffic tanked. His domain got blacklisted. He even started getting spam SEO emails from LinkLord himself. Classic Darren. Moral? Fewer good links > thousands of crap ones. You can’t game the system — not anymore.
